Rhyme? And Reason?

CANTO IV.

Hys Nouryture.


	“Oh, when I was a little Ghost, A merry time had we! Each seated on his favourite post, We chumped and chawed the buttered toast They gave us for our tea.” “That story is in print!” I cried. “Don’t say it’s not, because It’s known as well as Bradshaw’s Guide!” (The Ghost uneasily replied He hardly thought it was).

“It’s not in Nursery Rhymes? And yet
I almost think it is—
‘Three little Ghosteses’ were set
‘On posteses,’ you know, and ate
Their ‘buttered toasteses.’

“I have the book; so, if you doubt it—”
I turned to search the shelf.
“Don’t stir!” he cried. “We’ll do without it;
I now remember all about it;
I wrote the thing myself.

“It came out in a ‘Monthly,’ or
At least my agent said it did:
Some literary swell, who saw
It, thought it seemed adapted for
The Magazine he edited.

“My father was a Brownie, Sir;
My mother was a Fairy.
The notion had occurred to her,
The children would be happier,
If they were taught to vary.

“The notion soon became a craze;
And, when it once began, she
Brought us all out in different ways—
One was a Pixy, two were Fays,
Another was a Banshee;

“The Fetch and Kelpie went to school,
And gave a lot of trouble;
Next came a Poltergeist and Ghoul,
And then two Trolls (which broke the rule),
A Goblin, and a Double—

“(If that’s a snuff-box on the shelf,”
He added with a yawn,
“I’ll take a pinch)—next came an Elf,
And then a Phantom (that’s myself),
And last, a Leprechaun.

“One day, some Spectres chanced to call,
Dressed in the usual white:
I stood and watched them in the hall,
And couldn’t make them out at all,
They seemed so strange a sight.

“I wondered what on earth they were,
That looked all head and sack;
But Mother told me not to stare,
And then she twitched me by the hair,
And punched me in the back.

“Since then I’ve often wished that I
Had been a Spectre born.
But what’s the use?” (He heaved a sigh).
“They are the ghost-nobility,
And look on us with scorn.

“My phantom-life was soon begun:
When I was barely six,
I went out with an older one—
And just at first I thought it fun,
And learned a lot of tricks.

“I’ve haunted dungeons, castles, towers—
Wherever I was sent:
I’ve often sat and howled for hours,
Drenched to the skin with driving showers,
Upon a battlement.

“It’s quite old-fashioned now to groan
When you begin to speak:
This is the newest thing in tone—”
And here (it chilled me to the bone)
He gave an awful squeak.

“Perhaps,” he added, “to your ear
That sounds an easy thing?
Try it yourself, my little dear!
It took me something like a year,
With constant practising.

“And when you’ve learned to squeak, my man
And caught the double sob,
You’re pretty much where you began:
Just try and gibber if you can!
That’s something like a job!

“I’ve tried it, and can only say
I’m sure you couldn’t do it, e-
ven if you practised night and day,
Unless you have a turn that way,
And natural ingenuity.

“Shakspeare I think it is who treats
Of Ghosts, in days of old,
Who ‘gibbered in the Roman streets,’
Dressed, if you recollect, in sheets—
They must have found it cold.

“I’ve often spent ten pounds on stuff,
In dressing as a Double;
But, though it answers as a puff,
It never has effect enough
To make it worth the trouble.

“Long bills soon quenched the little thirst
I had for being funny.
The setting-up is always worst:
Such heaps of things you want at first,
One must be made of money!

“For instance, take a Haunted Tower,
With skull, cross-bones, and sheet;
Blue lights to burn (say) two an hour,
Condensing lens of extra power,
And set of chains complete:

“What with the things you have to hire—
The fitting on the robe—
And testing all the coloured fire—
The outfit of itself would tire
The patience of a Job!

“And then they’re so fastidious,
The Haunted-House Committee:
I’ve often known them make a fuss
Because a Ghost was French, or Russ,
Or even from the City!

“Some dialects are objected to—
For one, the Irish brogue is:
And then, for all you have to do,
One pound a week they offer you,
And find yourself in Bogies!”

CANTO V.

Byckerment.

“Don’t they consult the ‘Victims,’ though?”
I said. “They should, by rights,
Give them a chance—because, you know,
The tastes of people differ so,
Especially in Sprites.”

The Phantom shook his head and smiled.
“Consult them? Not a bit!
’Twould be a job to drive one wild,
To satisfy one single child—
There’d be no end to it!”

“Of course you can’t leave children free,”
Said I, “to pick and choose:
But, in the case of men like me,
I think ‘Mine Host’ might fairly be
Allowed to state his views.”

He said “It really wouldn’t pay—
Folk are so full of fancies.
We visit for a single day,
And whether then we go, or stay,
Depends on circumstances.

“And, though we don’t consult ‘Mine Host’
Before the thing’s arranged,
Still, if he often quits his post,
Or is not a well-mannered Ghost,
Then you can have him changed.

“But if the host’s a man like you—
I mean a man of sense;
And if the house is not too new—”
“Why, what has that,” said I, “to do
With Ghost’s convenience?”

“A new house does not suit, you know—
It’s such a job to trim it:
But, after twenty years or so,
The wainscotings begin to go,
So twenty is the limit.”

“To trim” was not a phrase I could
Remember having heard:
“Perhaps,” I said, “you’ll be so good
As tell me what is understood
Exactly by that word?”

“It means the loosening all the doors,”
The Ghost replied, and laughed:
“It means the drilling holes by scores
In all the skirting-boards and floors,
To make a thorough draught.

“You’ll sometimes find that one or two
Are all you really need
To let the wind come whistling through—
But here there’ll be a lot to do!”
I faintly gasped “Indeed!

“If I’d been rather later, I’ll
Be bound,” I added, trying
(Most unsuccessfully) to smile,
“You’d have been busy all this while,
Trimming and beautifying?”

“Why, no,” said he; “perhaps I should
Have stayed another minute—
But still no Ghost, that’s any good,
Without an introduction would
Have ventured to begin it.

“The proper thing, as you were late,
Was certainly to go:
But, with the roads in such a state,
I got the Knight-Mayor’s leave to wait
For half an hour or so.”

“Who’s the Knight-Mayor?” I cried. Instead
Of answering my question,
“Well! If you don’t know that,” he said,
“Either you never go to bed,
Or you’ve a grand digestion!

“He goes about and sits on folk
That eat too much at night:
His duties are to pinch, and poke,
And squeeze them till they nearly choke.”
(I said “It serves them right!”)

“And folk that sup on things like these—”
He muttered, “eggs and bacon—
Lobster—and duck—and toasted cheese—
If they don’t get an awful squeeze,
I’m very much mistaken!

“He is immensely fat, and so
Well suits the occupation:
In point of fact, if you must know,
We used to call him, years ago,
The Mayor and Corporation!

“HE GOES ABOUT AND SITS ON FOLK”

“The day he was elected Mayor
I know that every Sprite meant
To vote for me, but did not dare—
He was so frantic with despair
And furious with excitement.

“When it was over, for a whim,
He ran to tell the King;
And being the reverse of slim,
A two-mile trot was not for him
A very easy thing.

“So, to reward him for his run
(As it was baking hot,
And he was over twenty stone),
The King proceeded, half in fun,
To knight him on the spot.”

“’Twas a great liberty to take!”
(I fired up like a rocket).
“He did it just for punning’s sake:
‘The man,’ says Johnson, ‘that would make
A pun, would pick a pocket!’”

“A man,” said he, “is not a King.”
I argued for a while,
And did my best to prove the thing—
The Phantom merely listening
With a contemptuous smile.

At last, when, breath and patience spent,
I had recourse to smoking—
“Your aim,” he said, “is excellent:
But—when you call it argument—
Of course you’re only joking?”

Stung by his cold and snaky eye,
I roused myself at length
To say “At least I do defy
The veriest sceptic to deny
That union is strength!”

“That’s true enough,” said he, “yet stay—”
I listened in all meekness—
“Union is strength, I’m bound to say;
In fact, the thing’s as clear as day;
But onions—are a weakness.”

CANTO VI.

7 of 49

3 pages left

CONTENTS

Chapters

Highlights